Mood : Lonely

Listening to : -

Reading : -

Watching : Castle

Playing : Dead Frontier

Drinking : -

Enjoying : -

Wearing : Pajamas and a shirt.. I'd say it's enough :P

Downloading : Castle S2

Hi.

I'd been feeling a lil lonely for the past few days and since you (the blog) are the only friend who can listen to all my bakwaas, here it goes :P

All good and bad things aside, I miss a lot of aspects of my life where I was care-free and happy. Happy, the truly inner-feeling happy not the crappy made-up happy. I loved life. Everything was so great.

Why is it that age, responsibilities and trust becomes such a big issue...? Legally an adult but mentally still a child...? Is there anything in the law books for THAT ??

Yeahh.. I miss those days. Now, this may imply that I miss my ex.. But no, I DO NOT MISS MY EX. (It was bold so that.. just so we're clear =P ). I can't stand looking at her -__- Anyway, it's just that those days were filled with so much fun and excitement and hope and.... joy. Pure childish joy. It seems like such a.. disturbing thought now that I wanna go back in time and wish it all.. happened for the good. That.. everything could be perfect and after tweaking a few things here n there, who knows my life would have been now...?

Yes, we come down to the same old relationship issues. *Sigh*

I can't help it.

I just get lonely too easily.

And to be honest, the last week has been horrible. I have NOT ENJOYED GAMING. Things are that bad. Seriously ! Whenever I play, I just.. can't seem to keep my mind focused on enjoying and having fun. That, obviously, affects how I play and I usually get flamed (made fun of) by other people there. And it sucks. I even got a warning for shouting too loudly :P But all stuff aside, I know that even if I DO get into a relationship now, I know for sure it's gonna be a huge fail. Mostly because of the fact that I'm stupid ! I've realized that, end of the day, it's *I* who I look after, whose needs I consider more. The topic of "handling another person's life" and "taking responsibility of their actions" is a lil too.. too much to ask for. I mean, I'm not complaining of the fact that I wouldn't take care of her or look after her.. Sure, I would ! I always do that =) But I know me. I.. am not stable enough to handle 2 people.. Of which the other would be either the complete opposite or exactly like me. Either way, too much trouble to handle at this age. I think teenage relationships bring out our character in hidden, untold ways. For someone who can manage a relationship, study and have everything perfect in his/her life, clearly shows how rational headed and can perfectly distribute his/her time and prioritize their life. (I know.. Grammar Fail.) My point being, these people are different and are over-achievers with or without them realizing it. When they grow up, their.. their actions won't be affected by stress, problems, etc. Their judgment and ability to decide would still be perfect because that's how they were as a kid and they're used to it. Kudos to em I'd say.

I can't even manage my own life -___-

*Sigh*

So that's how I'm stuck in this... this wheel of.. love and death. Where I want to be in a relationship yet know that it's not gonna be anywhere near perfect. Hence, death within. And this wheel keeps rotating.. I keep having different.. desires, different needs and wants everyday. Whether love or death, this implies with a lot of things in life. For example, one's mood may also affect as to what they want to eat or drink. A normal person would have his normal breakfast or a good breakfast so that they stay in a good mood from the starting of the day. However, any other person would just make a do-able breakfast and move on with his/her life. Similarly, one's happy they usually party and drink and have a blast in a group. You see a person drinking alone, you know they're sad or that there's something wrong.

So you see, the way we behave in society and even the way we eat, tells a lot about us.

Coming back to selfish lil me..

As I was saying, I've been going to Bunker but I've lost this.. this feeling of happiness and joy when I win a match. It's just..gone. There's no "inner-happiness". It's just... Yeeee.. And.. done. The fact that I've been rejected 13 times is a wonder (and also an unlucky number...! )(coincidence..?) and it shows or.. tells a lot about me.

Suppose a random person is walking down the street and I tell him/her that I've failed 13 times in love.. What will they think..?

1) Stubborn fool.

2) Now THAT is called desperate.

3) Wonder why.. Probably something is wrong with him.

4) Maybe he's just unlucky.

5) He needs to change and focus elsewhere.

And honestly, all 5 of em are right.

Does this also mean that I suck at socializing..?

They're not related but it's worth a thought.

I guess the main point of all this is that I'm clearly not a synced functioning unit and my priorities and desires are fickle and slightly.. rational. I tend to believe in stuff happening which is wrong because you have to DO something to make stuff happen.

Obviously that doesn't imply for love but.. for other things, it does.

These things always remind me of my old days... When I was still a kid and used to have so much fun with my brother..

I love him like hell and he knows it. He's helped out on me a lot more than anybody else ever has. He knew when I was feeling low and he's helped me every step of the way.

It's just that I can't bear the fact that he's moved on now with his life.. I wonder if he had any thoughts like these.. If he just sat down and wondered what he was doing with his life..

Me.. I always do.

But the problem is, nothing useful ever came out. It's like this whole... jungle of crap that I'm stuck in and the only way out is to learn to live in the jungle.

*Sigh*

You know, I've spent all of today (Sunday) doing NOTHING.

I slept, ate, peed and watched Castle.

NOTHING.

I don't feel like doing anything at all.

But you know.. There are just some days when you have to pull up your pants and grow up. Life is hard, face it. You have to be strong and deal with it.. It's a new challenge everyday and you have to go through it.

So as far as relationships go, I have this.. epic thought that I should postpone it. You know.. Screw women (I mean.. Not Literally !!) and.. get on with life. As I said earlier, you sometimes have to put aside things and let things happen. In this case, let love..happen ! Besides, skip the not-able-to-handle-part, I'm not good enough to.. get the women I've been trying..

Soo.. it's better to accept defeat and move on.

*Looks at Nails*

Hmm.. need to cut em.

Anyway, I'll try to keep this a daily thing now because I don't do anything else useful right now.

I got driving lessons in the morning (7:30 =| ) Soo.. I'll update about em tom.

I'm also getting a new camera. Most probably a Nikon D3000. (yes, 3 zeros !)

It's great.. Link is here --> CLICK MEH !

Soo.. check it out if you want to.

Cyaa =)