Reality Exposed : My Life Is A Clockwork Crisis

I would like to talk about my last post before I start anything new.

To state it bluntly, I've broken off all means of contact with Shruti, my first internet ex, as far as I'm concerned. Ironically, the only contact that I haven't broken off was the reason why I did the above..

Not going into too many details, people change whenever they fall in love. This case is specially notable in the young ones. I would like you to read along with me as I explain, word by word, what I meant in the earlier post -

When you have found the love of your life, you lose the love of everybody else in your life

The "love" is a person who is able to completely understand you during a time of trouble or is a perfect support during the good period ur having. He/She however lasts temporarily in retrospect of life, which brings us to ;

"of your life" would be the actual time period till the relationship lasts because love lasts forever.. but not every time...

"lose the love" is simply mis-prioritization of your time towards the people or "friends" who were there for you before that dumbass showed up.

"everybody else in your life" clearly refers to the above people or friends who were there for you and cared, laughed and spent time with you before that dumbass showed up.

If you think any sentence of the above is a lie, well honestly... ur living one yourself

It's time you wake up ...

Mood : Depressed
Listening to : -
Working : Makin notes..
Watching : -
Playing : L4D2 (15 hours before my Final exam)
Eating : Chewing Gum
Enjoying Off : -
Wearing : Any 2 shirts + sweater + Striped Navy Blue Pjs

Downloading : SouthPark S 13

So as of now since my mood could not possibly go any lower, I'd like to talk about things which have been bothering me for as long as I remember.. I however will not try to make this post shorter than what it should be or exaggerate any facts which you might read later on. This is just me and the shit I've been through in life..

Do remember that I've got my final exam in 15 hours as of now (11:00)

First of I'd like to talk about how , as every day passes, some people rejoice that the day is over, they'll wake up tomorrow, another new day, fresh start in life... You know, it's not that hard to be like that. However, when you go to sleep wondering how many friends you actually have left in your life and try not to be haunted by yesterday's memories, life isn't really that sweet.

My best friend... My .. my other me.. been best friends since 15 years. Can any of you even stop for a second and realize how long that really is..? 15 years... Son of a frick... We'd call each other, sometimes randomly show up at home, NEVER miss an opportunity to go down and play Cricket..! , come back (to my) home and try not to get in my brother's way..! , spend hours on end discussing things which were irrelevant but felt they could change the world............. How 2 people with utmost care and love for each other, see such a dark end to all this.......... Was it really our fault ? Was it really MY fault ? You know.. we grew up, our social circle began increasing and we soon realized what kinda guys we were. He was the social king when it came to conversations, jokes, approaching new people (including girls) and I was pretty much the socially awkward, staying quiet and being the pick of the jokes kinda guy. I still am to some extent.. Except for the jokes part. To tell you the truth, both of us haven't changed much since then.. Except we've grown out of those parts and turned into something more than that. Now, he's a social God, most friendly and approachable guy you'll ever meet, caring, funny and in all, a great guy. Whereas I'm a socially awkward, funny and blunt and logical speaker.. We've evolved out of those roles into something so much more... And it's all good. Until one thing happened.... Just that ... we don't talk any more.. We talk to the world.. Everybody around us who we want to (not in my case) and aren't afraid .. of a lot of things.. But, we don't talk to each other. It all started with him finding out how people.. "posh" people lived in South Delhi when he used to go there for his designing classes. Trust me, he's a down to earth guy. At least I thought soo.. He discovered their lifestyle and attitude towards life and he liked it. He liked it so much, it was like a.. drug.. which he just... took in without realizing what was happening .. He wanted to be there all day.. The sights, the sounds, the smells .. everything was just so appetizing to his senses that he just didn't want to lose that part of life and go back to his plain old life. And thus, he did exactly that. Eventually, the drinking and smoking started and I, was completely sealed off from all that. Infact, the last thing I wanted was to hear it from someone else's mouth rather than his. Which is exactly what happened.. It was a movie.. We were going back home and we met friends along the way.. One thing lead to another, he disappeared. I ask, "What the frick ? " And a friend told me, "Smokin' n shit." And I just walked off... Specifically after I had warned him dozens and millions of times to NOT DO IT, it's FRIKKIN' FATAL but nooo... Man can never control his temptations no matter how hard he tries. He apologized and explained, I said shit and we reached a conclusion where HE WOULD NOT SMOKE AT ANY POINT OF TIME. At least not in front of me, was how he thought. Fast-forward to today, my best friend, is God knows how many days out smoking and drinking whenever he can with his "new friends" and can never reply to the message which simply said, "Are you smoking and drinking with your new friends ?" ..... Do you think he'll reply ? He'll reply the day I stand in his face and bark. Today , tomorrow and the day after that, I go to sleep, wondering what's gonna happen tom. , what tragedies, what tests life is gonna throw at me tomorrow. And... how long is this friendship of ours gonna last before someone cracks ...? Do you think you, if not me, can sleep a sound sleep with all that ? Let alone the disappointments that I've had in my life... Do you think it's possible ? And how do you think I figured out all this..? ...

Moving on to a few hours ago..

I was depressed and... I needed a bit of a laugh. You know, there are very few things in life which "actuaaaaaly" make me happy. Talking to people I love, watching Kiplix, Criken2, Russell Peters, PhillyD or any of the other 10 subscriptions on YouTube. As u know, I've got an exam in 14 hours now and I can't exactly put my headphones and sit in front of the PC. Soo .. I checked Yahoo and Moolie was online. I'm like, "Boooyah ! ^^ " So I go talk to her.. Check if she's in a good mood. She is.. So I tell her I'm not in a good mood. I... hint that I might appreciate a cheering or a few jokes or anything.. Instead I get a conversation which abruptly ends when she finds out I'm in a sad mood. I know you've got ur exam on Monday and I've got mine A LOT EARLIER THAN THAT and I'm sure u can find a bit of time to make me smile at least. But........ NO. I try to maintain the conversation but really, the way she typed just made me feel she wasn't even interested. And she wasn't ... Signed out 10 mins. later... oK, I am no expert in making u laugh but when u tell me ur not in a good mood, I TRY. I AT LEAST TRY to make u smile from doing my stupid things and what not..... And u couldn't even do that ? Tell me.. was there anything wrong in what I said just now ? Did I lie ?? ..... I don't think so. So to remove that, I was playing L4D2. Yes, barely 12 hours before my FINAL EXAM, I'm forced to play games to remove a void inside of me... I mean, sure u tried but, really.. IDK if you didn't take me seriously or maybe u didn't know what exactly to say to make me feel better but.. once the convo. stopped, it hurt more than before =\

Aslesha might have hopefully started reading my blog by now.. She knows my crisis.. and she's supportive to the extent that I want. Duude, IDK where I went wrong back in 11th.. It seemed stupid to me back then but now... certainly doesn't feel that way..

This is real.

I've got 3 people in my life that I'm friends with. The "actual" friends.. The number which was constant at 10 for the past so many years. Obviously I WILL BE affected. Who wouldn't be ?

I've changed a lot past 2 years.. I've started looking at life from a different perspective and my opinion about people, things changes everyday. I, at one point, don't know what's right and what's wrong. So I make mistakes.. Heavy mistakes.

I planned to end the post as of this point but since I was in this mood, I confronted Ahana about everything that I had once written in my posts.. Here's the excerpts from the convo. -

(For Privacy's sake, names have been hidden/changed.)

()(T/-\\/i|_|$: I don't trust u Ahana.. The main reason would be when u last came to India. Now, I was free during that time.. I was, again, going through some problems of my life and I wanted to watch a movie. So I told yaa and I kept hinting that I was going alone.. I mean, I'm sure u could have just come along for a 3-hour movie. It wasn't that bad (Transformers :ROTF) Previously, ur sim card going with ur Nani which was in the last year. oK look, I'm not saying u lied but it's kinda hard for me to imagine that she just took off the next day, luggage or no luggage.. In that case, u could have just given me ur landline no. After that , the guests that showed up. oK, no problem.. guests come but.. they weren't like... hogging ur entire week.. U were free.. U coulda just come any other day.. Well, only i

()(T/-\\/i|_|$: (I'm typing.. plz. wait)

()(T/-\\/i|_|$: If u wanted to. See, all those things aside, there's another thing I wanna mention.. X and I pretty much knew u and started talking since the same time frame. Aaand.. since he was a part of Y's group, all of u could go with to the movies, hang out , etc etc.. Look, I'm not "jealous" or anything..! But, I just find it weird.. I know I'm not exactly friends with any of em and it would have been awkward if I were to come along and I know that. But I'M SURE there could have been one or at least.. 2 hours we coulda spent in person and not over firkkin' DC Yahoo..

()(T/-\\/i|_|$: (I'm typing.. plz. wait)

()(T/-\\/i|_|$: The last thing would be that, again, related to X.. When he was to go somewhere and .. IDK what u couldn't meet up and u said u "cried" .. oK, that probably hurt me more than it might have hurt u .. Sure the time I spent and he spent with u would have almost been the same but that's when the "face-to-face" thing comes in play .. That thing which u said.. I still remember it because it was from that day on that I didn't feel right about u.. I felt weird.. And... I know the day u forgive me when I told u I had a small crush on u .. I couldn't help it. I didn't lie.. I told u the truth that I had one. But the ironic part about all this is that I'm sitting on a machine conveying my feelings over blue and black words which obviously don't affect many people in my life.. And, I guess u too

()(T/-\\/i|_|$: That's all I have to say for now

Ahana: ok ..i dont like to spell out things but i guess with u i'll do that...firstly u are much closer of a friend to me than X

Ahana: secondly i didnt cry when he went..i was upset a lil bit tho

Ahana: 3rd...meeting him was not outta choice ..he is one of the guys from Y's grp

Ahana: 4th..in 2008 when i came u said u didnt wanna meet me alone in a public ish place ...(mayb cz u had a gf then )

()(T/-\\/i|_|$: Yes

Ahana: 5th..this frndship i thot wud get better irrespective of us meetin or not..i have tell u this..there few things life which are best kept untouched..this frndship was one of them ..yeh jaisi hai waise hi achi hai for the time being...

Ahana: and if u wanted to meet me

Ahana: u cud have asked me directly

Ahana: im no good with hints

Ahana: im sorry i hurt u then

Ahana: im really am

Ahana: i didnt mean to tho

()(T/-\\/i|_|$: But seriously..

Ahana: hmm

()(T/-\\/i|_|$: Never in, like 2 years, u ever thought u wanted to meet me in person ?

()(T/-\\/i|_|$: Did u never have that wish or.. intention if I may say ?

Ahana: oye brb mom

()(T/-\\/i|_|$: oK

Anyway,

You know what ?

At the end of the day, I won't curse God. I'll thank him for still giving me 3 friends in my life that I can trust with everything. Of course I'm not including my brother in this list.. I trust him like HELL but.. he's not a friend. He's my brother :)

BBye ^^